In my first year at Aberystwyth Uni back in the 70's we had to make our own fun. This often involved spending considerable periods of time in the pub. My friend "M" and I sometimes entertained ourselves by writing cod fan letters to Nicholas Parsons. Alas, he saw through our tomfoolery and never responded.
Imagine my delight when I was strolling down Great Darkgate Street one morning and saw a giant, luridly-coloured, poster bearing the image of Nicholas himself exhorting punters to: "Be Bright - Save Money" in the window of Bollom, the dry cleaners. I hastened into the shop where a very bored young lass was gazing into space, chewing gum, and resting both elbows on the counter - all at the same time. I asked her if I could have the poster when it was taken down. Her flabber was well and truly gasted, but she didn't see any reason why not.
Soon the bright yellow poster was replaced with a vivid green one and I went into the shop and claimed the original. I also "booked" the new green one. As one season follows another so the green one came into my possession, as did its replacement, which was a sort of vomit-inducing cerise. The lass never once asked me why I wanted the posters but just shook her head in a sorrowful way whenever I appeared.
Moving into a cell at Cwrt Mawr (student "accommodation") I managed to display two whole posters on the longer walls and a folded version on the window wall so that wherever I was in the room, Nicholas Parsons was grinning at me. Guests found this most disconcerting, but it did have the advantage of frightening off various political campaigners and other bores.
As I try to scratch a few pennies together in my old age one of the - flaccid - strings to my bow is selling vintage postcards. I was replenishing my stock recently when I came across a view of East Street, Bridport and it caught my eye since there is a local buyer who collects images of Woolworth shops (yes, honestly). But then my eye strayed to the bottom left-hand corner and, as you will see, the Bollom sign stands proud!
Returning to "M" - he was in arrears with maintenance payments and in those days such matters were dealt with by magistrates. He was ordered by a Court to pay a certain amount and he sent it a cheque, made payable to his ex-wife. He received the cheque back with a letter telling him to resend it payable to the Clerk to the Court. I sat in Downies Vaults and scrawled, "I love Nicholas Parsons" across the back of the cheque, now payable to the correct recipient, and "M" wrote in huge letters on the face of it: "I was never married to the Clerk to Hemel Hempstead Magistrates' Court". Despite the graffiti.the Court successfully banked the cheque.
Thank you for wasting a few minutes of your life reading this nonsense.
Published by Ian Crow Multimedia Ltd.
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